angela of the grimaldi persuasion (staryiedrainbo) wrote in toddsparrow4eva,
angela of the grimaldi persuasion
staryiedrainbo
toddsparrow4eva

he was everything that I wanted (why? what was it that I needed?)

You know I started thinking about my highschool crush recently...Its hard to understand why I liked him. Ok, I still think about him all the time, at least once a day. I really don't have feelings like that for him, but he really confuses me. guys don't have this affect on me unless they are celebrities, meaning they are unattainable. So because I know I will never be or be with anyone famous, I openly lust for them and give it a year and then its over. I mean besides the fact he was extremely attractive, smart, and opinionated means nothing. I mean I went out with sean atkinson for god's sake. I think I liked this kid because he challenged me, not me personally, but he made me think. I hated and loved him for it. He was just I dunno...so cool. There was no other way to describe it. He was friendly and easy going which made me melt. He was opinionated and sorta rebellious and full of himself, and oddly enough that was really hot. I would get so pissed off when he would blow off the music classes we had together,it was so disrespectful but I don't think I would have felt the same if he hadn't. If he hadn't been such an ass during band and music theory in highschool, would I have melted the way I did? I told you I am weird like that. I went from being really happy about finally having a crush on someone during my last year of highschool, to becoming very depressed. Even though I saw him walk passed me everday he too was unattainable . He was good looking and intellegent...I am only borderline some of those things. Plus he had a girlfriend and I hated her. I shouldn't have I didn't know her, and it wasn't like I was going to make a move, but I didn't want her to have him either. It also doesn't help when your sister tells you that his girlfriend is dumb and treats him like shit. Or when you see him making out with his girlfriend right in front of you on the verge of having sex right in the choir room. I wanted to be that girl. I have always wanted to be that girl. In the same sense Why would he want a full figured simpleton like me when he could have petite dancing bitch? Cause guys like the one I liked Like challenging girls too. By the way I don't mean that intellectually speaking.
Its been almost two years, I am quite sure I will never see him again. I guess I am sad because I am chicken shit. I guess I am sad also that he wasn't as grand as he seemed. At least no one could touch my daydreams of him. Well I found out last christmas that the boy I found to be so perfect, the one who was all over his girlfriend, was all fucked up on drugs had a fling with another guy, a guy who supposedly had a crush me. So not only were my make-believe dreams crushed but also this guy was not only cheating on his girlfriend, he's cheating with other men. I dunno Its bizzare why am I attracted these people. I have only ever heard a man say he loved me once, and that was a weird online thing that I had no feelings for that man he was only my friend. I wonder when will it be my time to step out of this poor cycle of weird guys, and get gutsy! When Will I find the right guy, at least the right one for a little while. Its been almost 20 years....I know I am worthy, I haven't been able to see it in myself until college. I am something and I am someone good, when will my opposite see it in me? I know I shouldn't worry but I feel behind in some way.
I have these dreams I have had 3 of them. One in france, one in mexico and one in the snow. I am with this man but i can never make out his face, I wanna know when I can see his face! where are you, Why is it taking you so long? someone let me know when he arrives!
angela
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